Can someone help me out? ('Pimp my rant')

[Sub0]

Okay, I have written an article that I hope to submit to my shool newspaper (highschool, grade 11). The reason I wrote this is because my school has recentley changed the timetable to start 5 minutes early, and anyone late has to go to the office. Well this has brought about a TON of lazy idiots complaining about it. So read my rant, and if you can addresse at least one of the following on the following list, I will be happy; I will be alot happier if you help me with all issues on the list...

1) Any spelling, grammar, or sentence sturucture help.

2)Word help, i.e: I misplaced a word, or you may have a better word to put in, or I should delete a word.

3)Length- Is it good length? (393 word) Can I afford to erase, or shorten anything?

4) Miscleanous- improve a sentence, or any part. Adding something, erasing something, switching something.

5)Format, how well does it flow, should I put something in for it to look better

6) Overall apperance, how does it look?

7)Mature-ness, self explanetory.

8) Rate, comment, etc.

This is my soon to be submited article:

Is it just me or does the constant pampering of the Humberside student result in a hectic teacher versus student battle whenever there may be a slight change in schedule? If you are sitting at your desk reading this and wondering “What the hell is this loser talking about?” it means, almost certainly, one of two things. First, you are a lazy, spoiled smart ass who cannot follow a simple change in schedule, or two, the editors of the Garnet have decided my crappy opinion is worth half a page in the mix of other crappy opinions; if it is the latter I can pat myself on the back. I guess I should get to the point, I am sick and tired of all you spoiled, stuck up smart asses complaining about the new late policy and the time table changes. First of all, you should not have been late when school started at 8:50, so there is no reason why you should whine about going to the office when you waddle into class. You may counter this with a point about the time changing to 8:45, all I have to say to this is “SHUT THE **** UP!” If you cannot manage to wake up ten minutes early, you might as well start flipping fake meat at McDonalds. It seems that everyday I hear some idiot smart ass complaining about the late policy, more so the after lunch late policy, well if an hour is insufficient time to consume the enormous amount of fat to satisfy your bloated gut, get a personal trainer and lose about one hundred pounds. There is absolutely NO reason to be late after lunch, and there is even less of a reason to act like an idiot and whine about the door closing in front of your fat face. Sure, you do waste more time going to the office, but that would not be a problem, IF YOU CAME ON TIME, now would it? If you managed to trudge through the heaping crap I just flung at you, read the following sentence, and take my advice. Get up, now, walk out of the classroom, ignore the shouting teacher, go to Zellers, or any similar store, and buy a watch and an alarm clock, so now I won’t have to stand your idiotic whining every god damn day.


PJ




Please don't be a dick by stealing it and claiming it as your own, I doubt you go to any school called Humberside, who has a serious late policy...

[Joest]

Is it just me or does the constant pampering of the Humberside student result in a hectic teacher versus student battle whenever there may be a slight change in schedule? If you are sitting at your desk reading this and wondering “What the hell is this loser talking about?” it means, almost certainly, one of two things. First, you are a lazy, spoiled smart ass who cannot follow a simple change in schedule, or two, the editors of the Garnet have decided my crappy opinion is worth half a page in the mix of other crappy opinions; if it is the latter I can pat myself on the back. I guess I should get to the point, I am sick and tired of all you spoiled, stuck up smart asses complaining about the new late policy and the time table changes. First of all, you should not have been late when school started at 8:50, so there is no reason why you should whine about going to the office when you waddle into class. You may counter this with a point about the time changing to 8:45, all I have to say to this is “SHUT THE **** UP!” If you cannot manage to wake up ten minutes early, you might as well start flipping fake meat at McDonald's. It seems that everyday I hear some idiot smart ass complaining about the late policy, more so the after lunch late policy, well if an hour is insufficient time to consume the enormous amount of fat to satisfy your bloated gut, get a personal trainer and lose about one hundred pounds. There is absolutely NO reason to be late after lunch, and there is even less of a reason to act like an idiot and whine about the door closing in front of your fat face. Sure, you do waste more time going to the office, but that would not be a problem, IF YOU CAME ON TIME, now would it? If you managed to trudge through the heaping crap I just flung at you, read the following sentence, and take my advice. Get up, now, walk out of the classroom, ignore the shouting teacher, go to Zellers, or any similar store, and buy a watch and an alarm clock, so now I won’t have to stand your idiotic whining every god damn day.

I only saw one spelling mistake and no grammer mistakes, the one above is the corrected one.

[Danielle]

I'm curious as to whether your school would let you publish this? My school is rather strict and would not accept this.

[Sub0]

I'm curious as to whether your school would let you publish this? My school is rather strict and would not accept this.

When I wrote this I was in school, just after this really annoying...female dog, was yapping about how it is unfair and she can't stand wakeing up 5 minutes early, so I was pissed. That is why, maybe, someone can 'tone it down' a little, so it may pass the might hammer of justice...

[Danielle]

Eh. I would, but I don't want to take away from your writing style. I would suggest rewriting on the same topic now that you are cooled off. Stay away from using slang words and insulting people with name calling. I would also try to acknowledge the other point of view and the reasons behind them.

[RocketSoldier]

Take out the cuss words and make it seem more relaxed. Personal feelings should never be in a newspaper or any journalism stuff.

[Sub0]

I erased most of the cussing, I only kept the odd "idiot" to make my point sound clearer, and of course I had to keep the "crap" in my closing remarks. The part in bold is the main part I could think of adding for the opposing side. There really is not much that I can add, the teachers simpl say "YOu must be on time, punishing you for being late is the only thing we can do to make you go on time" Also, did I put a good amount of commas at the end? And, once again, suggestions, for words, sentence strucutre, grammar that I might improve?


Is it just me or does the constant pampering of the Humberside student result in a hectic teacher versus student battle whenever there may be a slight change in schedule? If you are sitting at your desk reading this and wondering “What the hell is this loser talking about?” it means, almost certainly, one of two things. First, you are one of those people who cannot follow a simple change in schedule, or two, the editors of the Garnet have decided my crappy opinion is worth half a page in the mix of other crappy opinions; if it is the latter I can pat myself on the back. I guess I should get to the point; I am sick and tired of all you people complaining about the new late policy and the time table changes. First of all, you should not have been late when school started at 8:50, so there is no reason why you should whine about going to the office when you waddle into class. You may counter this with a point about the time changing to 8:45, all I have to say to this is, don’t try to counter my opinion, if you know you can’t. If you cannot manage to wake up ten minutes early, you might as well start flipping fake meat at McDonalds. It seems that everyday I hear some smart aleck complaining about the late policy, more so the after lunch late policy, well if an hour is insufficient time to consume the enormous amount of fat to satisfy your bloated gut, get a personal trainer and lose about one hundred pounds. There is absolutely NO reason to be late after lunch, and there is even less of a reason to act like an idiot and whine about the door closing in front of you. Sure, you do waste more time going to the office, but that would not be a problem, IF YOU CAME ON TIME, now would it? You may also say that the office has to deal with all of you going down there for being late, well, that is the problem, YOU are going down there because YOU are late. Not only do you miss class, you also have to waste the time of the principals, secretaries, and other faculty, while jamming the hallway, all because you cannot successfully manage your time. It may be understandable I you just arrived at HCI, but there is no excuse if after a month of school you still can’t seem to find a clock, you are just as bad as the rest of them. By grade 10, nobody should be late, of course there is the odd exception, but simply saying your eyes somehow wandered off the clock is insufficient. If you managed to trudge through the heaping crap I just flung at you, read the following sentence, and take my advice. Get up, now, walk out of the classroom, ignore the shouting teacher, go to Zellers, or any similar store, and buy a watch and an alarm clock, so now I won’t have to stand your idiotic whining every god damn day.

[Danielle]

Take out the god damn. You will never get that published at a school.

[Sub0]

Take out the god damn. You will never get that published at a school.

It's not like it's a catholic school, but now that I think about it, I guess a public school whould also think twice about publishing it. Especially since there is quite a number of god-fearing students.


Anything else? Anyone? Anyone?

[Meek]

may be understandable ,I you just arrived at HCI, but there is no excuse if after a month of school you still can’t seem to find a clock,
That I should be an if.

[Blastedt]

I erased most of the cussing, I only kept the odd "idiot" to make my point sound clearer, and of course I had to keep the "crap" in my closing remarks. The part in bold is the main part I could think of adding for the opposing side. There really is not much that I can add, the teachers simpl say "YOu must be on time, punishing you for being late is the only thing we can do to make you go on time" Also, did I put a good amount of commas at the end? And, once again, suggestions, for words, sentence strucutre, grammar that I might improve?

We're studying persuausion in Language Arts, might wanna take out the fence-sitting ;-)

I mean, you're persuading them not to be lazy "idiots" right?

[Sub0]

I am getting two diffrent POV. One: Add some info from the other side, and two, only keep the info against the lazy idiots...

[snoman99991]

Your lucky, we have to be in school at 7:30.

Some people have to be at bus stops around 6:30...

[JoeyG]

So, you support the bureaucracy?

I prefer being able to walk into class 20 minutes late and say "Sorry, I just didn't care enough to show up on time. Maybe you should dump this ####ing grade-school curriculum and I'd be a little more motivated." If my school instated any form of late policy, I'd start showing up 40 minutes late for a 72-minute class.

The rant is okay; you need to improve your grammar, and I'd go to an English teacher for help with that. You might want to tone down the anger; try to go for funny sarcasm. I just disagree with your opinion.

[Espo Mk. II]

nice rant, really cool.

[The Prodigal]

I write for my school paper as well.

My primary suggestion is not to seem as if you are directily talking to the readers.

[Coheed]

Overuse of smart-ass.

[Sub0]

Thank you for all your comments. I am thinking of ideas for a new one, with less anger in it, and more of a evidence-based rant with humour to make it appeal to students. I will probably show it to my teacher when I think it will be acceptable.

Also, Joey, the only reason why I am for the new late policy is the followings reasons:

1) You disturb your class, more specifcally, your teacher "train of though" meaning he/she must start over again

2) You show no respect for the school

3) In university, you can't be late, since you miss the notes, and the teacher won't repeat the lesson. Meaning you wil be a drop out, HOORAY!

4) In my case, the students then go to the office, which gives the office a ton of uneccesary work.

5) It is just plain rude

6)You piss people like me off.

Now if only I can put that in a well constructed, humourous, and overall good rant.

coheed- I know, but I can't seem to find a word that describes them in a good, somewhat offensive way...suggestions?

[JoeyG]

1) You disturb your class, more specifcally, your teacher "train of though" meaning he/she must start over again
No you don't. You show up and sit down. Nobody needs to talk, your teacher doesn't even need to notice.

2) You show no respect for the school
I hate my school, and I hate the entire ####ing education system we have in this province. In the US it's many times worse.

3) In university, you can't be late, since you miss the notes, and the teacher won't repeat the lesson. Meaning you wil be a drop out, HOORAY!
No... in university, you show up and sit down. Nobody needs to talk, your teacher doesn't even need to notice.

4) In my case, the students then go to the office, which gives the office a ton of uneccesary work.
That sounds like an argument against bull#### late policies.

5) It is just plain rude
To who?

6)You piss people like me off.
I piss people like you off anyway.