I've lost someone I love dearly...

[Shadowcasterx4ffc]

Vent of sorts, but it's a serious problem that I do need some serious help for. Note: wall of text.

Before we jump into this whole mess, I guess I should tell you a few things. First and foremost, everybody that ACTUALLY knows me agrees very well that I could pass for 16/17, both physically and emotionally. No joke. So really, anybody using the "you're only 14, get over it" response will not help me at all, and will also lose you a lot of respect. Remember: it doesn't matter whether or not they should be whining about depending on age, size of the issue, etc., but what does matter is that it's a real problem to that person and they seriously need some help with it. I live by this, no matter how trivial the issue.

Now, the problem:
There's this girl, Amanda, that I started going out with about two months ago. The relationship was going GREAT, and we really, REALLY loved each other. No, I don't mean the regular young-teen attraction kind of thing. I mean love. She lives half an hour away from me so we didn't get to see each other as much as we liked, but we'd talk as often as we could. When my band went on tour a few weeks ago, she cried all day the first day I was gone, and for the next few days after that. Because my cell phone has texting restrictions, I couldn't even talk to her and she'd beg my best friend Kevin to let me use his just so she could talk to me. She's a great girl with a great personality, and I'd really do anything for her.

A week after I come back, she broke up with me (Aug. 8). It was so sudden that I was caught completely off guard, and for the five minutes that I was on the phone with her my mind had completely stopped working and I wasn't even sure what to say. She used the excuse that she had a lot of personal problems that she had to take care of, and that having a boyfriend at the same time was too much for her to deal with. Of course, at the time I believed her. Next day, I got texting back (month resets on the 9th) and managed to talk to her a little bit, and figured out that was a lie. She said that things were getting a bit awkward for her. Like even with stuff as simple as a hug: sometimes it'd be plain amazing, and other times she really wouldn't feel anything. That, and she just wasn't having as much fun as she used to have in the relationship. This is closer to the truth, but not completely. On a side note, I have an idea as to why this is. I was extremely busy during the three weeks before this happened. Hell Week in preperation for the tour (rehearsals from 10-5 Mon-Fri). Week after was the tour, and as soon as I got back, my music camp started (Mon-Thurs). So we barely got to talk OR see each other (I saw her the day before the tour, and the Tuesday before we broke up). But she was talking to Kevin a lot more because he actually had texting, and went to town with him and a few of her friends (parents wouldn't let me go). She didn't see the "let's just mess around and have fun" side of me that day, and I guess she saw it in Kevin, and as far as I can tell that's one of the biggest reasons she's with Kevin instead of me now.

That's right, the biggest reason she broke up with me was because she liked Kevin. I wouldn't have found this out, but Kevin left his phone on my amplifier charging on Monday (two days after we broke up). I knew they would be talking a lot, and I just need to know what was going on. So I went into his inbox, and just by the two messages in there I could tell she liked him. Keep in mind that I was already devastated from simply having her break up with me, but after finding this out I was ready to break down right in the middle of the room. But guess what? She on-and-off liked him for the entire second month of our relationship. And both of them kept the secret. Three days after we broke up, she was going out with Kevin. And possibly the most painful part about this whole experience was that I told Kevin it was okay to go out with her. I still love her more than life and would do anything to have her back, but I'm not that big of a prick. He likes her, she likes him, and if I don't let Kevin go out with her she still won't love me back so there's no point in doing otherwise.

She called me on Wednesday and we straightened some things out, and that kinda helped with me feeling better. A bit. I'll give you a quick summary of what I'm like right now compared to how I was when I was with her. Well, you could say that while I was with her I was simply beyond happy. I felt better than I had ever felt, and everything was simply amazing for me. I never felt so alive. Before my first girlfriend (in January), I was an emotional mess. About every month to month and a half, I'd have a "semi-depression" stage that would last a few days where I'd just feel like complete crap, feel ready to give up, accept that nobody would ever love me, etc. After this whole thing with Amanda, I feel like this is what I'm back to. Except instead of every few weeks, it's every few hours, and the times where I feel anywhere between semi-depressed and depressed last MUCH longer than the times where I feel fine. And by fine, I mean yeah I'm happy, but nowhere near as good as I felt when I was with Amanda. I'd watch Kevin text her every five minutes during music camp, and just that would really bring me down. Part of what we talked about on Wednesday was how she still wanted to be my friend (sounds like BS, I know, but she was actually talking to me that day, and today, like we were friends), but with those two exceptions we barely talked. That took another huge toll on me, because even when I'd basically be begging for her to at least say hello she wouldn't respond. I really can't be mad at Kevin for this at all though. He did everything he could to keep me and Amanda together because he saw how happy she made me, and he didn't want me to lose her, EVEN THOUGH he liked her. But the thing is, I don't want to be mad at Amanda either. I still love her with all my heart, and I'd still willingly give my life for her. I'm pretty much emotionally destroyed by this whole affair, and I doubt I'll be the same person as I was before. She DID say that maybe (keyword=MAYBE) in a few years we MIGHT get back together, once we matured and I developed myself socially a little bit more (yeah, I can be a bit boring from time to time, etc.).

A few other side notes: I've never broken a promise to her, and I've never lied to her. She gave me a necklace the day before the tour, and it's only come off ONCE because I guess the water from showering was damaging the string and it snapped. It's replaced with nylon now, so that won't be a problem. Aside from that hour or two, I haven't taken it off.



My best friends have only been able to help me to a certain extent, but maybe some of you older guys could give me advice on how to deal with this. "Moving on" is most likely something that won't happen for AT LEAST a very long time. I'm really not sure what I'm looking for, but really, any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

[Ghecko]

To be honest, I thought someone close to you died or something. Nice wall of text, I read it though. Anyway, I think I know what you're going through. You could do either one of two things:

1. Basically, since your friend Kevin did all he could to keep you and Amanda together, you should do the same for him and her. If you really love Amanda, probably the best thing to do is to just let her go. Let them be happy, let Amanda be happy (which is probably what you want the most) and let Kevin be happy. Maybe as time goes by they'll realize they're not meant and split up, which is when you can dive right in and "do your part".

2. Ask her for another chance, break down in front of her. Let out all your emotions to her, maybe she will realize the pain you're going through because of her and your loss. Do things for her, be extra nice, pay attention to her, etc. Get her to start being attracted to you more than Kevin. This step could take time, but I've been in this kind of situation before and it's worked. The only downfall is you'd be letting your friend Kevin down, which you probably don't want to do either.

If all else fails, sometimes moving on is the best thing to do. When my mom divorced my dad when I was about three years old, it took him about two years to get over her, and this was also his second divorce, which made it more painful for him. The thing is, my mom divorced my dad for some other dude (who eventually became my step-father, who is barely a father figure to me), which hurt my dad even more. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is... sometimes giving up is your only option.

Maybe you don't have to give up, maybe you still have a chance, but who knows? Sorry for your loss, man. I know how it feels to lose someone really close to you. In my life, I've lost a lot of people, and most of the time I had to just deal with it. My father being one, who I don't live with but I visit occasionally, my girlfriend from about a year ago (separate story attached to this but I won't go into this), my two best friends and all the friends I've known (after I moved about a year ago). I still grieve about all mentioned.

If you need anything, or someone to talk to, then just send me a private message anytime you'd like and I'll be happy to help you any way I can.

[Frigz]

I understand what you are saying about sometimes being boring. I can be that way too, it's just when I don't have anything to talk about it I just can't come up with something out of nowhere. What you have to realize is while you can change and become more exciting, she's only bound to find she likes Kevin much less than you. If you get another chance with her, I would also try to always make her feel like you are thinking about her. Even when you are busy, a phone call every day would be appreciated by her. While I may be your same age, I still thought I could help. Hope you two get back together, I'd be crushed if my girl friend left.

[cadaver999]

Well, like justin pointed out your friend kevin did everything he could to keep amanda and yourself togheter.
talk to her and ask her what happened for this to happen let your emotions for her express out. and if she thinks your "not her type" then the best thing to do is move on, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
But you should be there with her and your friend just like he was with you, i am also terribly sorry for this to happen to a bright kid like yourself, the pass is the pass the future awaits you ahead.

[Shadowcasterx4ffc]

Thanks guys. I'll just say that option 2 stated by Ghecko is completely out of the question. Maybe when we start talking again (on a regular basis) that'll change, but for now I don't think it's a good idea to try to get her back just because she feels bad for me. I'm positive that it'll be short lived, and she'll break up again soon after.

As for the phone call a day, that actually did happen (there were probably three or four days MAX where we didn't call each other, excluding days when she was on vacation). But because I was so busy, the calls were getting cut from maybe an hour and a half to about half an hour during the last week of the relationship.



EDIT: And yes, for those of you that have seen me on Stick Arena say that I'm in a terrible mood and don't feel like doing something (playing someone, looking at a map, etc.), this is why.

[Frigz]

Oh, well in the future make sure there are no days you don't call her. Also, try to become a more exciting person, try using your wit. You clearly have one since it comes with intelligence.

[cadaver999]

mhm, just talk to her tell her how you really feel i know she will give you another chance i put my word in it ;)

[DarkReality]

I'm going to try to bring this to you as nicely as possible: you went out for 2 months. That's not love. You might think it is and you might consider yourself much more mature than the average 14-year-old, but maturity isn't a single property. You might look 17, but you're still an emotional teenager in the middle of puberty. You're not unique and the "relationship" you had isn't unique. You're emotionally immature, she's emotionally immature, that simply doesn't work out beyond "hey let's go behind the bleachers and hold hands!"

So there's really only one thing to say here: "y so srs?" Take it easy, you've got bundles of great relationships ahead of you. You know, ones in which your girlfriend isn't pseudo-unfaithful a month into your relationship. Enjoy the things worth enjoying and take things lightly.

[eedok]

you may think you're mature but the fact is you're still inexperienced and naive, now it's harsh that your world just came down on you probably harder than it has ever in your life, this is also not the only time this is going to happen to you. My advice would be to set yourself up to have this happen to you again so you can gain more experience and continue having those rose colored glasses on your face blown off.

In short if she's breaking up with you over something small like that she's not the one, simple as that, and the sooner you move on, the sooner you'll be in a better mood.

[Frigz]

Dark, telling him he's not as mature as he thinks isn't exactly the best way to make him feel better at this point. Cody put it much better by explaining she may not be the one and the one is probably many years off.

[Dragon]

Frigz, Dark pretty much told him the right thing. Anyone who thinks they are in love after a month or two of dating at the age of fourteen is not mature. They are infatuated. Just like any younger person would be.

Hell, people get infatuated even when they are "mature".

[1.own.all]

You should just move on. I don't see why you're stuck on this girl who doesn't share the same view you do. You may be mature (or at least think that) but I really doubt she is and is most likely still unsure about her feelings considering she left the one she "loved" for the guy she "liked". You're still young to be troubling yourself over someone you felt was the one.

[Scornic]

Dark, telling him he's not as mature as he thinks isn't exactly the best way to make him feel better at this point. Cody put it much better by explaining she may not be the one and the one is probably many years off.

It's not all about making a person feel better. Part of growing up is dealing with the hard truths of life. Sometimes the truth hurts. You can't ask to be seen as mature than expect to be pampered and babied.

Everyone goes through tough relationships in their life. The break hurts, it sucks, and it's not pleasant. The best thing you can do is learn from it and move on. Chances are it will take many, many, many flings and relationships before you find the right girl for you. You need to learn from them and not get held up ont he ones that don't work out.

[zakob]

You have to understand and know that you WILL get over it. You're going through a lot of hurting right now, but know that your friends and family do love you, and there's nothing to be depressed about. #### man, you're in a band, you've got friends and family. Enjoy life.

Take a couple long walks to think shit over. Don't do anything you'll regret.

[Frigz]

I get what you're saying, but Cody put it better in a non-completely negative way. Made it sound like while it wasn't true love now, he'll find it some day. Instead of (much exaggerated here) you're an immature twit and what you never had was love!11!1!!!1111

[Ttrain]

She just wasn't the girl for you. There are plenty of other girls that you can still find. You still have a future ahead of you still.

[Frigz]

^^^ There follows his advice. Positive and working for the future.

[Shadowcasterx4ffc]

Again, thanks for the responses. I really appreciate the help. Some of them made me feel a bit better, some didn't help me at all. I just want to point out something in DarkReality's post though...
You're emotionally immature, she's emotionally immature, that simply doesn't work out beyond "hey let's go behind the bleachers and hold hands!".
I'm pretty sure I made it clear enough that it was NOT this kind of relationship.


Also, let's pretend for a second that I'm not 14. Let's pretend I decided to hide my age and nobody knew. Or better yet, let's pretend I'm 17 or 18 instead of 14. And then let's say that this exact same thing happened, and I worded it exactly the way I did in my post. I'm almost positive your post would have been a lot less harsh, and a lot more heartfelt. So stop pretending I'm young and naive and instead treat me like I'm at the very least Kero's or Scornic's age. Which I also specified in my first post.

[Scornic]

Again, thanks for the responses. I really appreciate the help. Some of them made me feel a bit better, some didn't help me at all. I just want to point out something in DarkReality's post though...

I'm pretty sure I made it clear enough that it was NOT this kind of relationship.


Also, let's pretend for a second that I'm not 14. Let's pretend I decided to hide my age and nobody knew. Or better yet, let's pretend I'm 17 or 18 instead of 14. And then let's say that this exact same thing happened, and I worded it exactly the way I did in my post. I'm almost positive your post would have been a lot less harsh, and a lot more heartfelt. So stop pretending I'm young and naive and instead treat me like I'm at the very least Kero's or Scornic's age. Which I also specified in my first post.

If you were 18 and you made that post we would have ripped you to shreds. Part of growing up is getting over bad relationships. Any relationship that ends for a reason like this was bad. If you really want us to treat you like a mature 18 yar old, then you will get responses like:

"Man, suck it up. You were going out with her for two months. That's nothing. You're going to have shitty relationships. It's a part of life. We all have them, and we all deal with it. You're nothing special and there's no reason for you to make such a big fuss over it. Go out with your friends relax and move on."

But you aren't 18. You're 14 and you probably haven't had much relationship experience. It's the first time you've had a real heartbreak and it really really sucks. I still think about the first girl I really had something for and I still have moments where I regret things didn't work out. The important thing is that I've learned to move on, ignore it, and focus on the present and future. Everything in the past has already happened and can't be changed, but it can be learned from. Take the positives from this relationship and apply it to your next one. Take the negatives and avoid letting them happen again.

Believe me, I know as well as anyone what it's like to be looked down upon because of your age. I started college at 16 years old, and there were people who made it a constant job to remind me that I was somehow less mature and less of an adult because I was a year younger. The goal isn't to put you down because of your age. All I'm trying to get across is that you can't demand us to treat you like a mature adult then turn around and ask for sympathy. It's not like someone died. Your short term relationship ended. It happens.

[Dragon]

Also, let's pretend for a second that I'm not 14. Let's pretend I decided to hide my age and nobody knew. Or better yet, let's pretend I'm 17 or 18 instead of 14. And then let's say that this exact same thing happened, and I worded it exactly the way I did in my post. I'm almost positive your post would have been a lot less harsh, and a lot more heartfelt.



No, I would've asked you how old you were first. Nothing about your problem deserves a heartfelt answer. You are just expecting too much out of a relationship this young and too much from people on the net.

So stop pretending I'm young and naive and instead treat me like I'm at the very least Kero's or Scornic's age. Which I also specified in my first post.

Sure...

...

I'd still say the same thing, only thing I would add is; "Dude, you're 18. Grow up".

<_<

>_>

[HHHVSPHENOM]

I thought you meant someone had died. I would have showed you a song that helped me get over it in 6 years....


Anyway, this situation isn't what I know about. All I can say is stuff I've heard on TV: There are plenty of fish in the sea. But it's true. It's all true. Love is just something that will eventually fade away until you find someone who's exactly your opposite or exactly alike you. That's all I can really say.

[Shadowcasterx4ffc]

Know what, you guys are right and I apologize for that statement. I'm just so confused right now...but in the end I guess that I am just young and naive. At the very least, thanks for making me realize that.

[Guybrush Threepwood]

Don't feel bad. Everyone is!

[Dan]

I don't know if anyone said this because I didn't feel like reading anything after that huge post.

You shouldn't feel bad. It's not you that broke up with you. It was her, so instead of saying "oh, it's not her fault, I love her with all my heart", you should resent her. Resent her for making the wrong decision, and move on to the next girl. I'm not sure if you believe in love at first sight, but I surely do not. There's plenty of girls out there to create that allure you so blatantly crave. From what I've read, you're a talented kid. I'm sure a lot of girls want to get with that. Who wouldn't?

[poguemahon]

Um, get over it? You had what you had, but you don't have it any more.

You could get back on the horse, by which I mean slip her a roofie and do her doggy style in her sleep. Sorry, that was a joke.

[Luisd.]

sorry about what happened. you never know maybe on day she'll come back to you and know that it was a wierd way to say "its over" and for that she'll feel bad and well you'll be back together.

[Zapurdead]

If the girl has feelings for Kevin and not you, then you'll just have to deal with it. I think the best thing you can do as a friend is to be supportive of this Kevin and your ex-girlfriend.

[hyperddude]

Damn, the same exact situation (minus the tours) is happening to me, except I'm the Kevin. >.>

[~Nooba~]

Shadow, I'm not really one to offer you much help but I just wanted to say I'm sorry people aren't taking you serious for your age.

When I was your age I had a similar problem, one that led me to do inexcusable things that I will forever regret. Just know that even though you are younger than most I truly do believe that your feelings of "love" can be the correct way to describe your feelings towards her. I've still never felt the same way about any girl and I doubt I ever will.

D:<

[Luisd.]

Shadow, I'm not really one to offer you much help but I just wanted to say I'm sorry people aren't taking you serious for your age.

When I was your age I had a similar problem, one that led me to do inexcusable things that I will forever regret. Just know that even though you are younger than most I truly do believe that your feelings of "love" can be the correct way to describe your feelings towards her. I've still never felt the same way about any girl and I doubt I ever will.

D:<

thats powerfull stuff.

[denacioust]

Know what, you guys are right and I apologize for that statement. I'm just so confused right now...but in the end I guess that I am just young and naive. At the very least, thanks for making me realize that.

Yeah, everyone goes through that. They think they have something special, and that their relationship isn't just any old relationship. It's a part of life and a part of growing up.

There are plenty of other girls out there.

[Ace2cool]

Hm..

I'm tinged with a sense of hard toughness that comes from banging around all week on the field with other guys and throwing people into the ground and all that other fun violent stuff that happens in the game of american football.. and because of this I can't exactly give you the most heartfelt advice/answer.. I just can't find that part of me right now.. but anyways, during this whole week I've been talking with.. a special someone over the phone every night, and I guess this "true love" feeling you're talking about is what I've been feeling... briefly. I don't think the people who have been saying that you're just a naive teenager going through puberty and being emotional have had much relationship experience themselves, or have only had meaningless "fun" relationships that never go anywhere.. or that were based on lust instead of love. So first of all, just be her friend, and be there for her. If you really still want to be with her, you shouldn't make things awkward between you guys - take it as a test of how much you really love her.. if you can keep your feelings to yourself and just be like her best friend, she'll value you more than Kevin eventually. That'll lead to good stuff happening. I promise you.

I also think you knew what was coming when you talked about your age/maturity in your post..

which brings me to my second point

why the hell would you try to do this if you knew this was what they'd say? I mean, I know it helps to vent, but you could have messaged some people instead of flame-baiting yourself, which would have made it much easier for you. I know exactly what you're feeling when you read the posts that tell you that you need to get over it, and that you're just a naive young teen, and you need to move on to the next girl. You feel angry, disappointed, and sad.. but you oughtn't. It's not worth arguing about your feelings with other people - only you know what they really mean and you're the only one who decides what to do with them.

I'm going to end on this note :

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

[a1b23]

*wall of text*

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Wow, that is so simple but profound. Real deep. Nice encouraging words there.

If anyone needs advice just ask Cody.

[Ace2cool]

it's just what someone told me before, when I was getting over .. someone.

i'll drop in every weekend during the school year.. and give a good answer to one thread that I think deserves it every week =)

haha.

anyways, a1, how's things looking with that co-worker? post on my wall instead of hi-jacking shadow's thread

[Dan]

thats powerfull stuff.

No, this was powerful stuff. +1 post count is powerful stuff.

[Ghecko]

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
But afterward, cry because it ended. lolcounter

[hyperddude]

I don't get it. Smile because it happened? Why would you smile?

[Ghecko]

I don't get it. Smile because it happened? Why would you smile?
It's an upbeat saying to cheer up someone. Sometimes works depending on who you're trying to cheer up.

[Ace2cool]

I don't get it. Smile because it happened? Why would you smile?

There's no use in dwelling in past memories that will only hurt you further because you'll realize that they can no longer be substantiated. It's basically just to be appreciative that you even had that person at all in your life, and to look on the good side of things. There will always be more people out there, and what you should take from a relationship is the good memories that will make you become a better partner to others in the future and the memories that you will cherish for a lifetime. You shouldn't cry over the arguments that you had, or the disagreements that arose, or the petty way the relationship ended - that only causes further pain.. and no one wants that.

[SILENCZ]

I don't get it. Smile because it happened? Why would you smile?

It's better to have loved and lost. Then to never love at all.

[hyperddude]

I thought you meant that bad things happening are good, so you should smile.

Okay.

[~Nooba~]

It's better to have loved and lost. Then to never love at all.
That phrase is taken drastically out of context.